i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
