haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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