do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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