got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
