you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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