T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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