i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think my moral compass just broke
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
