dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
