I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
