I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
