While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
