he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
