Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
