Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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