Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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