It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
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She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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