I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
