that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
