oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
