The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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