I need to stop coming to work sober
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
