I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Randomize
