just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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