I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Acid is not a monday night drug
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
