As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
