He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
