i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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