I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
