So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
