Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
