I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
