someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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