so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
