I think I can smell my own vagina right now
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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