dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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