Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
