I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
