I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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