Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
