I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
