I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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