True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
