I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
