i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
