im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
