i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
