I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
