He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
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In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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