Pappa wants mamma naked
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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