and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
