Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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