shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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