i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
