you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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