Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
