stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
