i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
sex in a hospital.. check
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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