the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
